sometimes it really hard to tell myself that things are fine when all around me, disappointment and loneliness are just happening over and over again.

honestly speaking, i'm sick and tired of being nice. having to smile for those whom i love - friends and family. it is not that i am being two-faced but i just don't want to make things worse like stirring up a tsunami of arguments and cold wars.

deep down, i just want someone to be really there for me and misses me when i'm gone. i know its selfish to do good for others and expect to get something in return. like a smile or a hug. or even a word, "thank you". i would like to hear someone say i miss u when they really mean it and not just for the sake of saying. once or twice, i'm fine with it. but it happens so many times that i get so sick of it, i'm just getting myself into the deep pit of depression.

thinking a lot of the situation doesn't makes it easier to smile and be jolly like how i used to be. yes, it's getting harder and harder to smile. all around me, i see people loving and getting loved back. i really wonder how do they do it. is there a secret ingredient in their personality which pulls this kinda attraction and love to them? i really wonder. perhaps i really dont have what it takes.

i can't rememeber when was the last time i was really happy for weeks. maybe it was the starting of this year. i hope to have that feeling back.

i kept telling myself that it is time for me to grow up and not be such little miss nice or little miss sunshine. well, i would but it will be from the heart. but everytime, i just go back to my old ways cuz i dont want to make things any worse.


oh well, this is just one of my deepest thoughts and feelings.


ciao.